The Plight of People Pleasers: From Childhood Bullying to Adult Vulnerability
People pleasers are individuals who go to great lengths to satisfy others, often at their own expense. Their behaviour, rooted in a desire to avoid conflict and gain approval, frequently stems from early educational experiences. Unfortunately, this predisposition often makes them targets for bullies during their school years and more serious predators such as abusers and rapists in adulthood. This article explores the origins of people-pleasing behaviour, the reasons behind their victimisation, and an effective method for adults to mitigate these tendencies by revisiting and addressing primitive reflexes.
Origins of People-Pleasing Behaviour
People-pleasing tendencies often begin in childhood, influenced heavily by the school environment and reinforced by parental behaviour. Educational settings can be a breeding ground for such behaviour due to several factors:
- Need for Acceptance: Children naturally seek acceptance from peers and authority figures. Schools, where peer relationships and teacher approval are paramount, can amplify this need.
- Avoidance of Conflict: Fear of punishment or social ostracism leads children to adopt conflict-avoidance strategies, including excessive compliance and self-sacrifice.
- Reinforcement of Behaviour: Positive reinforcement from teachers and parents for being “good” or “cooperative” can inadvertently encourage people-pleasing behaviours.
- Parental Influence: This behaviour is often reinforced by parents who use guilt as an educational tool or have gender-specific expectations, such as wanting “gentle girls” or “tough boys.” This can instil a deep-seated need to conform to these ideals, perpetuating people-pleasing tendencies.
These behaviours, once established, become deeply ingrained and persist into adulthood, often with detrimental consequences.
Victimisation of People Pleasers
As adults, people pleasers frequently find themselves in vulnerable positions. Their predisposition to prioritise others’ needs over their own makes them prime targets for abusers, rapists, and other predators. Several factors contribute to this heightened vulnerability:
- Perceived Weakness: Predators often target individuals who appear submissive and less likely to resist. People pleasers, with their accommodating nature, fit this profile.
- Difficulty in Setting Boundaries: People pleasers struggle to assert themselves and set firm boundaries, making it easier for others to exploit them.
- Fear of Rejection: The deep-seated fear of rejection or disapproval can prevent people pleasers from speaking out or defending themselves, even in harmful situations.
These characteristics make it crucial for people pleasers to recognise and address their behavioural patterns to protect themselves better.
Addressing People-Pleasing Behaviour through Primitive Reflexes
One effective method for reducing people-pleasing behaviour in adults is to revisit and work on primitive reflexes. Primitive reflexes are automatic movements directed from the brainstem that infants use for survival and development. While these reflexes typically integrate into the brain’s higher functions as a child grows, incomplete integration can contribute to various behavioural issues, including excessive people-pleasing.
- Understanding Primitive Reflexes: Primitive reflexes like the Moro reflex (startle response) and the Palmar grasp reflex (automatic grip) can influence how individuals respond to stress and social interactions. If these reflexes are not fully integrated, they can lead to heightened anxiety and a stronger tendency to seek approval.
- Exercises and Therapies: Specific exercises and therapies can help integrate these reflexes. Activities that focus on coordination, balance, and motor skills can promote proper reflex integration, leading to improved emotional regulation and assertiveness.
- Neurodevelopmental Approach: Addressing primitive reflexes through a neurodevelopmental approach helps in reprogramming the brain’s response patterns, reducing the urge to please others compulsively.
By working on these foundational neurological patterns, adults can significantly diminish their people-pleasing tendencies and develop healthier interpersonal dynamics.
Conclusion
The journey from a people pleaser to a more self-assured individual involves understanding the roots of this behaviour, recognising the risks it poses, and actively working on underlying neurological patterns. Addressing primitive reflexes offers a promising pathway to achieving this transformation. By integrating these reflexes, people pleasers can develop stronger boundaries and a greater sense of self-worth, ultimately leading to more balanced and fulfilling relationships.
Academic References
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- Kinsbourne, M. (1973). Minimal Brain Dysfunction as a Neurodevelopmental Lag. In: Rutter, M. & Hersov, L. (eds), Childhood Mental Disorders: Problems of Diagnosis and Treatment. Oxford University Press.
- Blomberg, H., & Dempsey, M. (2011). Movements That Heal. BookShaker.
- Kranowitz, C. S. (2005). The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognising and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder. Perigee Books.
- Morrison, A. P. (1989). Shame, the underside of narcissism. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 70(2), 285-295.
- Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
- Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
This article sheds light on the challenges faced by people pleasers and offers a scientific approach to mitigating these behaviours, fostering a deeper understanding of this complex issue.
